Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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