My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
