Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
