Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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