At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
