She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
