I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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