It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
