Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
