I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
