I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
