so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
