I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
