quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
