I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
