i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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