either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
