at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
