I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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