I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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