go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
