I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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