I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
