I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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