I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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