boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
