Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
