And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
