Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
