I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
