I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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