I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
