I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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