So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
