Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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