you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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