My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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