Jerry, you need to find god
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
