I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
