Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
