i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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