she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
