my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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