god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
