I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
