check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
