Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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