did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
