there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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