Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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