Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
